FET #1 Two Week Wait

A blog of our experience following our first FET

Sensitive post: talks about pregnancy and positive tests

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After nearly 5 years of trying to conceive I thought I'd perfected my coping mechanisms for the two week wait. Over the years I've had 10 rounds of letrozole and pinpointed ovulation month after month with daily countdowns until I could either test or my period arrived.

However, the two week wait following our first FET was unlike anything I've ever experienced.

Even with work and a hen do filling up my time, every spare moment was occupied by IVF thoughts. The oestrogen and progesterone causes symptoms similar to pregnancy which is just cruel and every day felt like a lifetime.

My clinic wanted me to test at 13DP5DT (13 days past 5-day transfer, another new acronym I've learnt during this process). They told me not to test early but if I did that I should definitely not do it before 10DP5DT.

Well, I came home from work on day 4 and couldn't hold out any longer. My husband thought I was being ridiculous, if it was negative it didn't mean it hadn't worked and I'd risk upsetting myself, and if it was positive it was so early it would probably be faint and leave me questioning if it was real. I'd love to say I held out but I didn't and there was a line. It was faint but it was there, and my (colour-blind) husband could also see it so I knew I wasn't making it up.

Thankfully my willpower does extend to waiting 48 hours before testing again. We all know HCG roughly doubles every 48 hours, and I've been stung before with testing daily and stressing over line progression, so I waited until 6DP5DT to test again and we got our first positive on a digital.

It's confirmed, I'm pregnant.

And I'm terrified.

It's an odd feeling when you get a positive pregnancy after previous losses. You know it's no guarantee, there's no excitement, there's no tears, there's no joy. It just 'oh okay, this step worked, let's hope it sticks around.' I felt a little sad that we didn't have the reaction that you see so often on social media but that is the reality for us. Of course, we're happy that the transfer worked but a positive test also bring so much uncertainty and trepidation. The only journey we know is miscarriage and that's what our minds prepare us for. It's another thing that infertility and miscarriage has robbed from us.

If it's possible, the days are passing even more slowly. I find myself clock watching, losing concentration at work, not able to focus on anything. Every time I go to the toilet I panic I'm going to see blood, but not seeing it does nothing to reassure me because I know I'm on medications that could be masking a loss.

We finally reached our OTD (official test day) and confirmed our pregnancy with the clinic. I've had some brown discharge, which the clinic says is normal and nothing to worry about, but this is how my previous 2 miscarriages started so that doesn't reassure me either. My clinic don't do beta HCG testing so I've actually arranged to have these done elsewhere, if only to give short-term reassurance that things are progressing okay for now. Otherwise, it's another 2.5 week wait for our first scan at 7 weeks.

The waiting is horrendous. I want this to work out so badly that I fear if it doesn't I won't know how to cope. How do I pick myself up and carry on if this ends badly again? They tell you to avoid unnecessary stress, yet I live in fear every day that today is the day our dream will end.

All I have to hold on to is hope; hope that this is our time, this is our turn, this is going to be alright and we will get the baby that we've longed so desperately for.

Infertility sucks.

Lx

P.S. For anyone that does Wordle, today the word was 'DREAD' which did make me chuckle - how apt.